Pool night! November 22, 2009
Posted by jassnight in Uncategorized.Tags: Fun
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Nothin' sweeter than putting your balls on the table - LOL
Sometimes you just have to take a break – physically, mentally, emotionally, culturally, socially – and just hit a few balls around 
You’ve Got Mail (And very possibly a whole lot more!) November 21, 2009
Posted by jassnight in Friendship, Love, Passion, Relationship.Tags: Friendship, happiness, Love, Relationship
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Yesterday a colleague came into my office and waved her hand around in the classic move to have me admire her newly acquired engagement ring. After all the pleasantries were played out, I asked her, “So how did you two meet?” Her story is not an unfamiliar one in these times – “We met online.” In fact, according to Online Dating Magazine (2007) there are over 120 thousand marriages that occur every year as a result of online dating. That statistic does not even take into account free dating sites such as Yahoo Personals and other computer mediated communication (CMC) sources such as Facebook, Twitter, Blogs and old-school e-mail.
So what gives here? How does this all work? You would think that meeting someone without the advantage of visual cues, voice inflection, and eye contact would certainly be a deterrent to developing an intimate relationship. And what about that assumption of being “physically attracted” to a person that gives us the incentive to strike up a conversation? You don’t get that with e-mail baby!
There are several communication theories such as Social Presence Theory and Media Richness Theory that explain CMC as the absolute worst medium for interpersonal relationships to begin and grow. These theories are based on the concept that the less “cues” a person has available to them for communicating, the less effective the medium will be. So what gives? If these theories are correct, wouldn’t the online marriage statistics reflect that? That doesn’t seem to be the case. In fact, the online dating industry has seen financial growth of over $642 million (Jupiter Research) and continues to grow. Zoosk, one of the newest online dating services (affiliated with Facebook) has more than 40 millions users as of October 23, 2009 (Internet Dating Industry Weekly News.)
What is going on here?
Well, think about it this way. Let’s say you have a fine French Bordeaux wine in your hand. How is the best way to enjoy it? Would you chug it or would you gradually take your time and sip it gently as you savor every smell and flavor. Cornell professor Joseph Walther states in his Social Information Processing Theory (appropriately acronymed as SIP) that communication can be savored in the same way – The slower the intake, the more flavorful the experience. People can gain the same information needed to develop relationships through any medium, it will just take longer with CMC. This may seem to be a disadvantage, but in fact, it is one of the parameters that make CMC so effective in relationship building. The players have more time in between encounters to ‘process’ information – savor it, so to speak. I think that we can agree that in all things ‘intimate’, slower is better!
Other characteristics are in play here as well. In related empirical research, Walther discovered that CMC-specific elements, which he labeled Chronemics were a positive factor in relationship development. For example, time stamps on an e-mail can signify affection simply by when it was sent. A late-night message is considered more amorous than a mid-afternoon note. Response time is also an indicator. Quickly returned responses early in the relationship can signify liking and excitement and the frequency of responses reflect attentive priority. Face it, we know that sipping can be tantalizing, but we love to gulp! CMC holds us back and disciplines us to taste lightly.
Probably the most effective element for relationship building in CMC is the ability to send and receive messages at different times. The very fact that CMC can be used asynchronously can be a tremendous advantage. Think about it. There is a sense of urgency when communicating face to face or on the phone. Both parties need to be available to be “in the moment.” In today’s fast-paced world, it is a challenge to build a relationship when there are busy schedules, careers, and children involved. When an e-mail is sent, there is an assuredness that the other party will receive and read it at a convenient time. And remember that this also contributes to the ‘sip’ factor – savoring the moment. It can also come in handy if there is a mis-understanding or argument. The writer can take their his and carefully construct a message, hopefully after the emotion of the moment subsides.
The 1998 movie “You’ve Got Mail” is a classic rhetorical case study for Social Information Processing Theory. Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks slowly build a relationship though their computers much in the same way that Walther describes SIP Theory. I can name close to 20 friends of mine who have a significant other that they originally met online. I can name another 20 who are active in online dating sites. Is there something to this madness? Think about this, Computer Mediated Communication works in just the same way as pen pals of the last century. How many of your parents and grand parents developed or maintained a relationship through the mail?
My grand parents did. Read their correspondence to each other in 1937 on The Philadelphia Letters
Have you got mail?
Waiting is… November 17, 2009
Posted by jassnight in Life, Love, Relationship, Spirituality.Tags: happiness, Life, Love, Relationship, Spirituality
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My last post entitled, Running is… is a play on a phrase in Robert Heinlein’s cult novel, Stranger in a Strange Land. I didn’t put much thought into titling the last post but now I am sure that it is drawn from my deep understanding of Heinlein’s story.
Stranger in a Strange Land is categorized as a science fiction work however it goes much deeper than that. Masterfully crafted by author Robert A. Heinlein, it is a parody on social mores taken out of context for the purpose of allowing us to look at them through a different lens. In this light, Heinlein challenges our views on religion, money, power, monogamy, and death. It is the story of Valentine Michael Smith, a lone survivor from an expedition to mars who is born from fated astronaut parents and raised by Martians. Upon returning to Earth, his perspective of society is from a completely different viewpoint. Eventually his reinterpretation and restructuring of norms and values influence humans to adapt new ways of social understanding.
Thou art God
For example, his understanding of “God” is that of completeness and connectedness with every living person, plant, and animal – Wholeness in love. “Thou art God” is his phrase to express this concept and the idea that God is within as well as throughout. “One who groks” describes a person who understands this concept.
Water Brother
The most poignant ideal for me in Heinlein’s novel is the concept of the “water brother.” It emphasizes the importance and priority of connection with one another. Based on the fact that water is a scarce commodity on Mars, Valentine ritualizes the importance of human connection by the sharing of a glass of water. Taking something that would normally have no significance in our world, Heinlein masterfully uses the sharing of water as a metaphor for how we sometimes take our relationships with one another for granted. In placing huge value on something that is casually considered abundant and trivial, he shows us that sometimes we erroneously devalue our connections in the same way. However, much like water is essential for the body to live, so is connection to others vital for the soul to live. In the novel, to be someone’s water brother is to be within the innermost intimate circle of that person. The water brother concept is the target for many critics of Heinlein’s book because it questions the societal norms of monogamy, family structure and stratum.
We should all be so lucky to have even a few water brothers in our lives. Together, “Thou art God.”
And that brings me to, Waiting is…
“Waiting is…” is a common phrase used between the followers of Valentine. The open-endedness of the phrase emphasizes the uselessness of trying to predict and weigh the future. It is meaningless compared to the glory of the now.
More often than not we look for the “next” and lose the “now.” Yes, many of us are finding our current situations difficult. However, it is times like these that make it so crucial to see the value of the moment. We must value today’s beautiful sunrise, the smell of a flower, a conversation with a friend, the taste of chocolate, the touch of a lover … the sharing of water.
Look around. Can you see it? Can you feel it? Thou art God.
Embrace now because, Waiting is…
Do you Grok?
_____________________________
Activity time:
Do me a favor.
Do yourself a favor.
Look away from the computer and experience RIGHT NOW.
……
……
What was the most pleasing part of your moment?
Share it with us by posting a comment here.
Running is… November 15, 2009
Posted by jassnight in Life, Love, Spirituality, fitness, running.Tags: Life, Love, perception, running, Spirituality
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Running is not just physical for me, it is also spiritual. Let me explain.
Much to the displeasure of my fundamentalist sister and the disappointment of my mother, I have not been inside a church to worship for almost 7 years now. Why? Because I have found a direct conduit to God, Yahweh, the Creator (whatever you want to call him/her/it, and shame on me to even try to label.) I will call him the Beloved for this post, reflecting Trebbe Johnson’s book, “The World is a Waiting Lover: Desire and the Quest for the Beloved.” Her description of an internal connection with the soul that reaches out to the creator best fits my ideals of spirituality.
Here is my issue with organized religion. Religion has a human incentive to it. Since the “church” existed there has been a human desire to profit share with the Beloved. Historically, churches used the beauty and glory of the Beloved to manipulate, suppress, propagate, and market the human agenda – sometimes for good, more often for peripheral motives. Regardless, the church has always portrayed itself as the conduit to the Beloved. You are discouraged to speak to the Beloved unless it is through the convention set down by the church; a certain way to pray, a certain structure to service, a certain amount to tithe, a certain viewpoint in lectures, homilies, sermons, a certain way to die and morn, a certain way to celebrate, a certain way to love.
My connection with the Beloved has no conduit. We talk directly to each other. It is mostly when I run. There is something about the solitude coupled with the rhythmic sounds of breathing, heart beating and foot placement combined with the glory of the outdoors that brings me to the Beloved. This morning’s long run was a classic case. When I started the run, my mind was in reality. I was thinking about my less than ideal situation. I was stewing about a relationship with someone that frustrates me. I was assessing what I will say in a very important interview tomorrow. Then I climbed out the foggy valley and looked down, I saw the blanket of clouds resting in the valley keeping it warm and safe. A huge flock of geese appeared from behind me and flew overhead. There must have been well over 500 of them crisscrossing in a complex array of “V’s” as they headed south. The sun had risen and splashed colors throughout the sky and fields. The wind was in my face. The smells of fall engulfed my mouth and nose. My day-to-day reality melted away and I was now with the Beloved. We became one. My body and mind connected to the earth. Heaven appeared and I was immersed within it. I loved and was loved. Peace.
Peace.
Running is… my connection to the Beloved.
Mountains and Molehills November 14, 2009
Posted by jassnight in Friendship, Life, Relationship.Tags: Friendship, Need, Pain, Relationship
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I recently had a light discussion about need with my good friend Nicki. The discussion centered around how difficult it is for a friend to admit that they need a friend in their life. I am one to tell it like it is. You have heard me say it before in this forum. I need friends. I need connections and I am not shy about telling somebody that I need and want them in my life. However, last night, I discovered a whole new dimension to need. It is one thing to need people in your life; it is another to be needed.
By circumstance or by divine fate, a friend of mine reached out to me last night. She was in crisis mode and needed me. I new the signs very well because I have been there myself. It was just a struggle for her to cope in the moment. Breath to breath felt like an eternity. She reached out and I was there. Sometimes a friend just needs someone to listen and that is enough. I felt needed. During that time of connection with her in this struggle, I lost myself and my mountains became insignificant little molehills compared to the pain that she was in. I became immersed in the pain with her. I was one with her. By the end of the evening she found ground and re-emergence of time and place. For the time being, her struggle was manageable. I felt honored that I was a part of bringing her back to this world and in this, my own struggle had taken a hiatus.
I have not felt this way in a long time. Lately I have been wrapped up in my own need for connection but have not had much opportunity to be and feel needed. The two don’t come close to having the same emotional effect. Feeling needed by someone will trump the need for someone every time. It instantly makes your mountains turn into trivial little molehills.
“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”
We regret to inform you… November 10, 2009
Posted by jassnight in Change, Job Search, Relationship.Tags: Change, Job Search, Life, Relationship
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“We were very fortunate to have a strong applicant pool for this job, and recently made an offer to a highly qualified candidate who has accepted. Therefore, the search is now closed.”
How many times have us job searchers read this? I received this in an e-mail last week. It is ok. It matched the other 300+ rejections I have received over the past 2 years. After a while, you tend to get use to it.
At this point I am doing fine. I have a great job that aligns perfectly with what I want to do. I am working with a wonderful group of professionals in a people-based field that is functional and effective. What else would I want? Well, it is only part-time. Unfortunately, I am not making enough money to achieve my other life goals. So I continue to search in hopes of finding a similar situation that is full-time.
My phone rings last week and another opportunity appears. I have an interview for the job of my dreams. Not only is it exactly what I have been trained for but also has the potential to satisfy my goal of working in a mission I believe in, with people also dedicated to that mission. It will also give me the income to complete the journey that I began for myself over five years ago. I can’t imagine realizing this dream after these many years of hard work, pain, hope, and rejection.
Could this be the one?
Here is the caveat. I will have to relocate. I will have to leave my beloved city of Ithaca, NY, my friends, my colleagues and my family. Am I ready to do that? I am not sure. I thrive on connection. I can’t live without relationship. I came to that conclusion a long time ago. I am not autonomous. I need contact. Where I would be going, I know not a soul.
Is that a problem? Probably not. It may be time to move on. Things have not gone to0 well for me here personally. This may be a time in my life when I need to isolate myself and dig deep within. If I get this position I will be heavily engrossed in a wonderful career that will definitely keep me from “thinking too much.” I could use a little forgetting right now. I have run away before, but this would be a controlled escape. There will be purpose in it and it will be strategic.
Yes, I regret to inform you, I am moving on.
Is passion dangerous? November 8, 2009
Posted by jassnight in Love, Passion, Relationship.Tags: Danger, Love, Lust, Passion, Relationship
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People have often told me that I possess an inordinate amount of enthusiasm and passion for life. Well, I do. I am not going to apologize. I am an excitable boy for sure! However, I will be the first to admit that in several cases, my enthusiasm and passion has caused personal pain and discord. In my life, when emotion becomes dominant over rational thinking, trouble ensues.
Pure raw emotion for anything is the aphrodisiac of life. It can be addicting and there can be a total disregard for the consequences of seeking and possessing it. Trouble follows, pain ensues, danger increases, relationships or possibly lives terminate.
Nobody depicts the horrors of passion better than Ang Lee, the director of both Brokeback Mountain and Lust/Caution. Both of these heart-wrenching movies depict how passion can never end well. Both stories tell of two people in extreme irrational infatuation for one another and then how outside influences slowly destroy their lives.
Passion does not have to always be associated with relationships. Passion thrives within several contexts, and likewise can be just as dangerous. In the movie, Empire of the Sun, I truly appreciate how Steven Spielberg depicts passion with young Christian Bale (the character Jim) and his extreme passion for fighter planes and the pilots. His raw emotion is portrayed in the scene when the Japanese airstrip is being attacked by US fighter planes. Jim, totally disregarding his own safety, climbs atop the roof of a building where he immerses himself in a climactic display of raw emotion in the midst of chaos. He is brought back to reality when the doctor (Nigel Havers) grabs him and tells him, “Try not to think so much!”
Ironically, I have had several friends do the same thing to me. Several times in my recent life when I have gone over the edge with passion, I have had more than one friend tell me, “Try not to think so much.” It works. Pulling myself out of the emotion helps. It gives the raw passion a rational perspective. It keeps me out of harm’s way.
I am a fan of passion. I have been there and I do pray I will have the rare pleasure of experiencing it again. However, I must be cautious. I am a surviving addict. I know what it can do to me. I know how close I can come to danger.
The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines passion as: Intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction. However, it also states that its obsolete definition is “suffering.”
It is all in the timing November 6, 2009
Posted by jassnight in Change, Life, Love, Relationship.Tags: Change, happiness, Life, Love, Relationship
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I continuously analyze change in my writings. It is a curiosity of mine. At one time in my life I was terrified of change. Then I found that without it, I was headed for certain death of my soul. At that point I embraced it whole-heartedly and found it to be not only necessary, but also inevitable. However, there are workings within change that continue to confuse me. Timing being one. The timing of change is difficult to plan. Who knew, for example, that when I left my previous career to go back for another degree the economy would also change at the very time I was ready to reenter another career. Bad timing.
Let’s look at relationships within the same context. When you meet someone and fall in love, is that perfect timing? Do you tell each other, “It was fate that we met. We were meant for each other.” Look at it another way. What if you meet someone but it just isn’t good timing. What if one of you is not in a position to have a relationship? For example, career ambitions or family responsibilities are priority at the moment. Bad timing I guess.
The movie, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” explores a symbolic extreme of the effect of timing on relationship. In this scenario, Benjamin is living his life backwards – from death to birth. Daisy, the woman he falls deeply in love with, is living life in the normal direction. It is a macro-exploration of the significance of timing. Not only do they have the common distractions that keep people apart such as careers, school, other relationships, travel, but they are also dealing with the opposite directions that their lives are taking – a direct metaphor. However, there is that moment – that one revealing moment – in the characters lives where they discover that they are close to the same age and that they are, as Daisy states, “meeting in the middle.” Benjamin reflects with, “We finally caught up with each other.” It is the defining moment in the movie.
In order to survive and thrive, I wonder if relationships need to be more than just the connection of the soul we have with another. If the timing is off, that glorious feeling of love and passion can quickly become that of pain and longing. Benjamin and Daisy feel that agony throughout most of the story, except for that one delicious moment when they meet in the middle.
How many of us experience that rare moment of meeting in the middle with the one we are passionate about? How many of us miss it?
It is all in the timing I guess.
The meaning of life November 3, 2009
Posted by jassnight in Life, Love, Relationship, fitness.Tags: happiness, inspiration, Life, Love, perception, Relationship, Spirituality
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Remember the movie City Slicker’s? That one moment when Billy Crystal asks Jack Palance the question, “what is the meaning of life?” Jack holds up a finger and responds with this, “Just one thing…” When I saw that movie many years ago, I wanted to know. “What was that one thing Jack? Tell Me!”
At that time I remember working hard toward that standard American dream. You know – the one that says that we all need a big house, two cars, lots of special gadgets and the best in services and comforts. With that mentality, I couldn’t understand why I would return to my standard funk even after buying the latest iPod, or renovating a room in the house. I just didn’t get it. Wasn’t this stuff supposed to make me happy? “Jack, tell me what that one thing is!”
I will spare you the gory details about how I learned what the one thing is but let me tell you, it is true that money can NOT and will NOT buy you happiness. It is not about money. It is not about possessions. It is not about comforts and services. It is about LIFE itself.
I am currently working in a new career that I love and with people who are passionate about what they do – for 1/3 of what I use to make! I am living in a back room with just a bed and a desk and feel comfortable, warm and secure. I don’t own the latest iPod or phone. I don’t get cable TV. I don’t buy the latest fashions. What is wrong with me? Nothing! I have found that one thing.
That one thing is LIFE. This is heaven. This is the gift – here and now.
We have these bodies to touch, feel, and experience this world. We have these minds to understand, comprehend and remember. We have these hearts to connect, unite and love one another. This is it – this is the one thing.
I have made it a priority to take care of my body so that I can experience this world. I have seeked out more education and continue to do so in order to understand and comprehend. I have made wonderful relationships with others through my heart so that I can connect, unite and love with them.
I am happier than I have ever been in my life. Here is the extra bonus – The best things in life are FREE! (Well, except maybe that last master’s degree
This is my vision statement:
I feel great, happy, successful, prosperous, rich. I have terrific energy, since I cooperate with nature. Fresh air for the lungs, sound sleep for the nerves, wholesome food for the stomach, daily exercise for the muscles, great thoughts for the head, and close connections with people I love for the heart.
What Empowers You? November 1, 2009
Posted by jassnight in Change, Relationship, fitness, running.Tags: Change, inspiration, Job Search, Marathon, Relationship, running, Training
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This morning was long run morning. Since I qualified, registered and I am going to participate in the Boston Marathon, I have decided that I would run nothing less than a half marathon for my long runs until I need to ramp up the mileage after the new year. I am committed and I am following through.
In the midst of a self-esteem crushing and soul-sucking job search on top of confusing and hurtful relationship problems, running empowers me. It seems to be the only thing that I have control over in my life right now. My decision to take on the challenge of winter training and run the Boston is a commitment I have made and a goal I will achieve. No one else made that decision for me and no one else gave me permission to do it (note – always discuss long distance running with your doctor before embarking on training. Have check-ups regularly.) I reap the rewards of good training and consequently understand the issues if I skip a training run or run stupid. I am directly responsible for my running and fitness success. Me – no one else.
Running is my source of pride, my base of identity, my constant, my life source.
Running Empowers Me.
